It's official

I'm old. And decrepit. Tore up from the floor up. My chiro sent me to the ER because I was losing function in my right foot due to the nerve being impinged upon by my very rude L5 disc. They gave me morphine. I asked if I could live there with the nice ladies who brought me feel good stuff. They politely declined and sent me off for an MRI.

How many of you have had this particular pleasure? You probably know what's coming if you have. I am not claustrophobic. Well, I wasn't claustrophobic until they slid me head first into that tube. They didn't even finish pushing me all the way in before I was pumping that little button for all I was worth. She asks me all nice "Did you need something, dear?" Poppets, I am embarrassed to tell you that I lost my shit. I panicked. This has never happened to me before, and I did not like it one bit. I have mercilessly teased my mother for years about being claustrophobic, telling her to put on her big girl panties and suck it up. I have prided myself on always being in control, blah blah...

Yeah, not that day. So they all gave me the stink eye and sent me back to my cubicle for some ativan and haldol. And we tried again. And I lost it again. More stinkeye and heavy sighs. I'm mentally apologizing to my mother for treating her that way. So I'm sent home with some anti-inflammatory's and painkillers. That don't work. I went to an outpatient office and had an open MRI, for which I paid an additional $1400 over the already exorbitant initial cost. But I got it done. And now I wish I hadn't.

My chiro got the results, called me up and asked me the following:

Have I done hard manual labor for a living, such as landscaping or hauling bricks?
Have I ridden horses that jump a lot?
Have I been in a really bad car accident?

No, no and no. Why? Because, she tells me, I have the spine of someone in their late 60's. I have three herniated discs with huge protrusions. My vertebrae are compressed to half their size. I'm a mess. So I have a consult with a surgeon on Tuesday. Who is going to tell me that if I don't let him cut the discs away from the nerves, I'm going to lose all function of my right leg.

Oh, and guess who let her health insurance drop two months ago because we couldn't afford it? That would be me. Sigh.

I'll be taking sign ups in the comments for day shift entertainment and company keeping. If I have to lay around in bed all summer, I want you guys with me.