Sunday, April 19, 2009

It's official

I'm old. And decrepit. Tore up from the floor up. My chiro sent me to the ER because I was losing function in my right foot due to the nerve being impinged upon by my very rude L5 disc. They gave me morphine. I asked if I could live there with the nice ladies who brought me feel good stuff. They politely declined and sent me off for an MRI.

How many of you have had this particular pleasure? You probably know what's coming if you have. I am not claustrophobic. Well, I wasn't claustrophobic until they slid me head first into that tube. They didn't even finish pushing me all the way in before I was pumping that little button for all I was worth. She asks me all nice "Did you need something, dear?" Poppets, I am embarrassed to tell you that I lost my shit. I panicked. This has never happened to me before, and I did not like it one bit. I have mercilessly teased my mother for years about being claustrophobic, telling her to put on her big girl panties and suck it up. I have prided myself on always being in control, blah blah...

Yeah, not that day. So they all gave me the stink eye and sent me back to my cubicle for some ativan and haldol. And we tried again. And I lost it again. More stinkeye and heavy sighs. I'm mentally apologizing to my mother for treating her that way. So I'm sent home with some anti-inflammatory's and painkillers. That don't work. I went to an outpatient office and had an open MRI, for which I paid an additional $1400 over the already exorbitant initial cost. But I got it done. And now I wish I hadn't.

My chiro got the results, called me up and asked me the following:

Have I done hard manual labor for a living, such as landscaping or hauling bricks?
Have I ridden horses that jump a lot?
Have I been in a really bad car accident?

No, no and no. Why? Because, she tells me, I have the spine of someone in their late 60's. I have three herniated discs with huge protrusions. My vertebrae are compressed to half their size. I'm a mess. So I have a consult with a surgeon on Tuesday. Who is going to tell me that if I don't let him cut the discs away from the nerves, I'm going to lose all function of my right leg.

Oh, and guess who let her health insurance drop two months ago because we couldn't afford it? That would be me. Sigh.

I'll be taking sign ups in the comments for day shift entertainment and company keeping. If I have to lay around in bed all summer, I want you guys with me.


Anonymous said...

J. H. C., Shania! That really sucks!

Have you done any/all of those bone/disk-bruising things in your life? WTH?

Email me your mailing address, so I can start sending you some of my books, ok?


Fragrant Liar said...

OMFG! I know that was the understatement of the year, but . . . OMFG! And no health insurance? OMFG!

Well, quit laying upside down (like in your picture) . . . That's not why?

Wow, I'm so sorry you got this news. Sign me up to send you stuff for the summer, if you're down for it. Um, pun not intended.

I'll be thinking of you and your speedy road to health, sweetie.

the queen said...

Yeah, once you make it to the MRI stage, you are no lomger in control. And I think the doc should have appaluded you for gutting out protusions without morphine for all this time.

Is the plan to somehow get employment for 90 days so you will have insurance?

Jennifer said...

That shit hurts man, I've seen grown men cry and puke for the pain.

Dingo said...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, herniated discs, protusions, whatever. I want to hear more about how to score ativan and haldol by freaking out in an MRI.

I will definitely sign up to keep you company. We'll have so much fun! We can finish landscaping your front yard before going for a nice long horseback ride.

But seriously, girl, get second and even third opinions if you can. I hate that you don't have health insurance.

the cubicle's backporch said...

Holy eff! That really sucks that you don't have insurance.

Since I don't have a job, I could be your entertainment 24/7.

What are they saying you should do to fix it?

Sweetly Single said...

WELL GAWLLY MS MOLLY!! No wonder why you are in so much pain...

As for the MRI thing... my doc knows he has to put me right out cold if he ever wants me to do one of those things. ICKY! But boy the drugs are good!

I have some books if you want me to send them your way.

Let me know girl! ((hugs))

Ree said...

You poor thing. Like more stress is a good relaxant. F-a-duck and make him quack.

Hugs. Gentle ones.

Books? Yarn? Cross-stitch kits? I got them all.

kath said...

Oh this does suck. I am so sorry and hope that you have a miraculous recovery ....

Vanessa said...

What horrible news. I'm so sorry. I'm happy to send you any of the books left that I'm trying to give away. If you lived closer, I'd come entertain/help you all you wanted.

Aunt Jackie said...

I'm so sorry to hear that...

Never lose hope, think positively and laugh and enjoy every drop of life you can. It's the surest way to heal.

It's what you make it.

Best wishes from ME of course!!!

Tink said...

Oh girl. I'm so sorry. The whole things sucks- the insurane, the need for it, the pain, the panic attack. I just want to hug you.

Gramps said...

Wow, what bad news. Sorry!

My wife gets regular scans, and she's quite claustrophobic. One of these days, she's gonna bust outta there.

Anonymous said...

Oh sweetie! That's awful. I suffer from major back problems, but YIKES. Maybe you should put a button on your sidebar for anybody willing to donate their spine???

Slyde said...

ohhh, i sympathize.. i hate that thing..

Jocelyn said...

Bwah? Huh? Crap? Effing poop?

I have not enough words for all this suck. You are not to be blamed for the freak out. We all would. But the cost? The bad news?