Friday, December 5, 2008

Monster



Dis mah bird. He's the coolest bird ever, except when he bites the blood out of me, which is daily. He provides endless hours of entertainment in the form of various utterances. He makes the sound of the phone ringing and then answers it in my voice. He laughs exactly like me. He calls the dogs and whistles, then laughs when they come running, looking all stupid. He will walk across the floor to where I'm sitting and pluck at my shoes until I acknowledge him. When I look at him, he'll hold one leg up and say "wanna get up? Come on". When I pick him up, he'll bite my finger, then yell at me: "No Monster! Bad bird. No biting." Yet I pick him up, every time. He's trained me well.

When we go to the vet, he walks out of his carrier and says "It's ok, I won't hurt you". He curses like a drunk sailor on a week of shore leave too, interspersed with various acclaims to fame such as "Monster, you rock" and "get in the forking cage, you little shit". He whistles the Andy Griffith theme and sings Sweet Child O' Mine. So far, I have two favorite Monster stories.

The first occurred several years ago when I was having work done on the kitchen. During a time of considerable marital strife in our household, the arguments resulted in my calling my husband all sorts of unsavory names after he'd leave the room. The contractor had to walk by Monster's cage several times a day. One morning, several days into the project, the contractor came to me and asked me if I was happy with his work or if he needed to change something. I was puzzled because I had told him several times how pleased I was with the progress of the job. He then asked me why I persisted in calling him names when he left the room. I could not figure out why he thought this. I hadn't called him any names at all. He insisted that he could hear me cursing him when he went into the other room. I put his mind to rest by walking out with him into the other room. When we got in there, we heard, very softly, from the other room, my voice say "that's right, get out of here, you stupid mother f*cker. I don't know why I even keep you around, you dumb shit." Yep. Busted by the bird.

My second favorite is the tummy story. Monster was getting a bit of a tummy on him, as Greys tend to, especially if they eat table scraps. Since Monster rules the roost around here, he gets first pick, then he'll let the dogs have some. Yes, they are terrified of a two pound bird and clear a path when he walks by. When I walk by the cage and Monster is sitting on the playbar on top, I stop and rub his tummy and say, in my best singsong, baby talk, nerve grating voice: "Look at that belly! Just look at that belly! It's a huge, huge belly!" So naturally, Monster was absorbing this phrase. He is the type of bird that has to hear something many times before he repeats it, but once he starts saying it, he never loses it.

Last night Sam was going to the kitchen for a bag of chips a gallon of ice cream and a spoon something or other. He was wearing only boxers and slippers. When he walked by, I heard Monster say "Look at that belly! Just look at that belly!" Best. timing. ever. I love that bird.

33 comments:

Being Brazen said...

ha ha ha ha -your bird is so funny!!!!

Being Brazen said...

I think it would drive me crazy to have something copying everything i say though :)

Tamara said...

That is hilarious! My uncle used to have a bird that had burping contests with him. They are such funny creatures.

Kitty Cat said...

Ha ha, my dad has an African Grey just like Monster. His name is Lucky, and he also bites the shit out of some people, but never my dad. He's not as talkative now, he's 35 years old. But still funny.

Lynette said...

That is hysterical. And lucky it didn't happen to you, but the husband. I would turn my bird into a pillow if it said that to me. LOL

Ree said...

He's great! Can you post a video or does he get camera shy?

the cubicle's backporch said...

Thanks for the laugh this morning. Even though the bird sounds like he can be a pain the rear sometimes, the belly comment to Sam TOTALLY makes up for it. That is too funny!!!

margie said...

take some time to read this story if you haven't already.

http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/05/12/080512fa_fact_talbot

alex, the smartest parrot

Ashley said...

Awesome! I grew up with a Macaw named Twiggy and a Grey named Waylon. Waylon was mean as shit. Twiggy love spagetti and to tell people to shut up. I get a huge kick out of birds but I can't stand the biting.

kwoneshe2 said...

I am laughing so hard. Great stories. Makes me miss my Umbrella Cockatoo. She mimicked the phone, laughed, made kissy noises, when the dogs barked, she would either mock them, or scream "shut up!" And when the phone rang - "helloooo?"

Sweetly Single said...

LOL omg he's great!!! No wonder why you keep him around.

Candy said...

Damn! I would totally own a bird if I could be guaranteed it would be a bird like that!

You really are craving silence, aren't you?

Kate said...

I need a bird around that says that every time I head to the kitchen.

Maybe you're onto something there.

coastrat said...

What an awesome bird! So funny his comments after you leave the room!

Dingo said...

Your bird has quite the sense of humor and, apparently, impeccable timing. However, birds still scare me.

kittyconcerto.com said...

I grew up with an African Grey! His first words were "SHUT UP!!!" because he was listening/imitating our other dusty parrot squawk, a sound that would pierce your brain. My grandmother was stuck at our house recovering from surgery, for weeks, and couldn't take that sound in stereo.

Then he began making the sounds of the cat fights and scolding the unaware cats. Too funny!

Vodka Mom said...

oh my GOD!!! That is so damn funny~!!!!

Twisting Ivy said...

Awesome. Can I borrow him? =)

Vanessa said...

Love that bird! A friend I lived with had a grey and she would call my dogs in my voice, tell them to sit, then tell them "bad dog, bad dog" until they hung their heads. The dogs also cleared a path anytime she was near.

The one phrase I taught her she still repeats every time friend walks through the door: Mommie's a crackhead!

We also taught her to say Bill Gates is the Anti Christ since we are Mac people.

Kath said...

Great story as usual!

carrie said...

Oh, it is a very good thing I don't have a bird that talks like I do . . . a very good thing.

I would be in so much trouble. :)

Kath said...

I just got this joke in an email and had to share it with you.

My New Parrot

Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back.

I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. So, in
desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said" I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I
fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

I immediately thought of Monster!

Slyde said...

Thats awesome. And thats a beautiful bird. I had 3 cockatiels, 2 grey and 1 all-white. I loved those damn birds...

Jocelyn said...

The belly training technique could be patented and expanded as a national weight loss program. Hearing my biggest bodily concerns articulated would keep me the hell out of the kitchen.

Or maybe I'd just have fried bird for dinner.

Mrs. G. said...

I'm not sure it would be good to have a smart bird around when I was alone in the room. I talk to myself alot. I wouldn't want to hear some of it repeated.

Katie said...

OMG! I love Grey's. They have such amazing personalities. And great timing.

I had to come over and visit after I read your comment on Mrs. G's post on Robert Duvall....Just the fact that you have danced with him...ah, the jealousy.

Love your blog, btw.

Dr Zibbs said...

Bwahahahahahhaaa!! That's hyesterical! Do you have any video of this bird?

(Found your blog through Slyde)

Slyde said...

PS..

sorry about spoiling survivor for you, but in my defense anyone who is 2 weeks behind on a reality show is just ASKING for it!

Em said...

Just found your blog this morning...loved it! Love this story...too funny. Can't wait to visit you again!

Last Place Finisher said...

My daughter wants a bird. Your post sounds like a reason to get one.

Where do they poop? (Seriously!)

Vodka Mom said...

Hey- happy new year, girl.

Fragrant Liar said...

OMG, I love your bird. Can I have him while you're outta town? My cat would probably love him too, though your bird is undoubtedly much bigger.

Love your sense of humor. Happy new year.

KJ
http://fragrantliar.blogspot.com

Tink said...

LMAO! This is hands-down the funniest post I've heard in a month. Thank you. I really needed that today. I'm also thinking I might need a bird. ;)