I don't think I'm going to make it

Not through the whole summer anyway. I just can't do it.

One of my goals this summer was to see if I really needed the depression medication, or if I am using them to hide from real emotions. My intention was to go from April until September medication free and see if I could regulate my moods on my own. I've been paying attention to how I feel, what makes me anxious, what angers me, and how I react to each stressor. Not well, my friends, not well. My reactions are all over the chart, from "eh, ok" to "OMFG, THIS IS THE END OF EVERYTHING!!!!!".

And they're very rarely appropriate to the situation. My nephew had the temerity to ask me where to put the net after he finished skimming the pool. This resulted in a ten minute lecture on responsibility, complete with yelling.

At a ten year old.

Who did nothing wrong.

I'm short tempered with Silas. He's getting ready to go to kindergarten next month, which is going to be a big enough adjustment for him without adding a snarky, bitchy mother to the mix.

Yesterday was the clincher. I walk out of the laundry room carrying a basket. SweetieDarling is standing in front of the stairs. That I need to walk up. This affront to my person is simply not acceptable and I break down into a mushy, melty pile of sobs. So I'm standing there crying on my nineteen year old daughter's shoulder. I start to tell her I'm sorry, that I just don't know what's wrong, when I catch a glimpse of her expression.

Then I flash back to my own nineteen year old self. Who is standing there holding her mother while she cries for no reason. And I remember thinking, 'for the love of god why doesn't she just get her shit together and get some help'. (apparently I was not a compassionate child) But my nineteen year old self was right, and even though my daughter didn't say it (she's nicer than I was) she was thinking it. And she's right.

I haven't been doing anything I used to enjoy. I've let the house decline into something that will warrant a visit from Kim and Aggie. I haven't been taking pictures, taking the dogs to the lake, swimming, gardening, blogging, nothing. I've been sitting around staring into space feeling sorry for myself and I'm done.

I start taking proper care of myself today. And I start getting myself back today.

weekly word challenge

The words this week were W and Half.

This bird is winging it.

Here's half of a kid through the water.

Here's working Silas, half the size he is now.

Slinging webs.

Half size violin. (actually quarter size, but work with me here)

and my favorite picture of the week,

A boy and mud, what more could you need?

Saturday Smiles, a repeat

I have no Saturday Smiles today. Please to enjoy past pleasantness.

Does anyone else waste hour upon hour looking at lolcats? I. Am. Addicted. I'm obsessed with getting to the front page. I've made it to the voting page several times but the illustrious honor of the front page has so far eluded me. And let's face it, all you other lolcat addicts out there (and you know who you are) the captions we come up with are so much funnier than the ones that make it. Don't you agree?

The odd part of this compulsion is that I'm not even a cat person. I have nothing against them, I just prefer huge honkin' dogs. So what do those evil geniuses do? They make a sister site for dog pictures! I'm doomed. Without further ado, my pics that should all have made the front page (if I do say so myself):

And my all time forever favorite, which isn't even mine:

Thank you, ladies and gentleman. I hope you've enjoyed this exhibition. The artist will be here all week.

Saturday Smiles

weekly word challenge

The words this week were blue and happy. At least I hope so, because those are the ones I used.

Here is a blue Shamu lunch box.




A blue floridian sky




A happy puppy.



This picture make me happy. It's some random pic I found while cruising around the internet. The smile on his face and the expression on hers just make me grin.



and here is my newest happy. The hood ornament on my new (used) car.



I was going to get the volvo, but honestly poppets, I just couldn't afford it. Keep in mind I still have to pay my truck payment even though it's not driveable. So I picked this up at an auction for a few thousand dollars, but I feel like a million bucks in it!

A post with some pics but not the pics I wanted...

I'm supposed to have a post about our trip, with pictures, but I left my memory card in Lucy's computer. My 4 gig card. She can email the pics but she'll have to snail mail the card.

Apparently she's too busy packing to email the pics anyway because I still don't have them. Girlfriend is moving to Beverly Hills next week. Already has a job and found a foreclosed property that they (a group of four film makers) have bought. The buying sight unseen part makes me nervous, but I'll just have to trust that she knows what she's doing. (they did have a home inspector look it over, at least)

So I only have the pics in my phone, which aren't too bad. When I walked into Lucy's apartment, the first thing I did was pull it out to snap these.

You don't think she has some issues with someone not doing the dishes, do you? Judging from the state of the kitchen, I don't think they worked.


I can't believe I found a picture of me on my way to the pool. It's a fair likeness, I think.

Here is Silas at SeaWorld. We went to the pirate dinner theatre the night before (do NOT recommend, btw) so naturally that's the character he chose. The skull conveniently covers his scar from where the dog tried to eat his face.

and this is going straight to the website where they gather pictures of peoples jumping on motel beds. Yes, there is such a site and it's hilarious. Not linking because? am . lazy.



We're going to try to go back after Thanksgiving. You know, when normal people go to Orlando. When it's not 2000 degrees and your shoes won't melt into the asphalt if you stand still too long. Then we'll try to do all the parks and bring someone with us that Silas can ride the big boy rides with (he's almost tall enough) because I'm certainly not. Wait...I'm tall enough but I don't want to. Ride the big boy rides that is. ok, I'm just going to trail off now. brain is on break.

Oh, the huge manatee

I'm baaaaack! Highlight of my trip? Seeing Lucy get her Bachelor's, natch.

Highlight of Silas' trip? Seeing a manatee poop right over his head at Seaworld.

Back tomorrow with pictures (but not of manatee poop, sorry)