Thursday, July 23, 2009

I don't think I'm going to make it

Not through the whole summer anyway. I just can't do it.

One of my goals this summer was to see if I really needed the depression medication, or if I am using them to hide from real emotions. My intention was to go from April until September medication free and see if I could regulate my moods on my own. I've been paying attention to how I feel, what makes me anxious, what angers me, and how I react to each stressor. Not well, my friends, not well. My reactions are all over the chart, from "eh, ok" to "OMFG, THIS IS THE END OF EVERYTHING!!!!!".

And they're very rarely appropriate to the situation. My nephew had the temerity to ask me where to put the net after he finished skimming the pool. This resulted in a ten minute lecture on responsibility, complete with yelling.

At a ten year old.

Who did nothing wrong.

I'm short tempered with Silas. He's getting ready to go to kindergarten next month, which is going to be a big enough adjustment for him without adding a snarky, bitchy mother to the mix.

Yesterday was the clincher. I walk out of the laundry room carrying a basket. SweetieDarling is standing in front of the stairs. That I need to walk up. This affront to my person is simply not acceptable and I break down into a mushy, melty pile of sobs. So I'm standing there crying on my nineteen year old daughter's shoulder. I start to tell her I'm sorry, that I just don't know what's wrong, when I catch a glimpse of her expression.

Then I flash back to my own nineteen year old self. Who is standing there holding her mother while she cries for no reason. And I remember thinking, 'for the love of god why doesn't she just get her shit together and get some help'. (apparently I was not a compassionate child) But my nineteen year old self was right, and even though my daughter didn't say it (she's nicer than I was) she was thinking it. And she's right.

I haven't been doing anything I used to enjoy. I've let the house decline into something that will warrant a visit from Kim and Aggie. I haven't been taking pictures, taking the dogs to the lake, swimming, gardening, blogging, nothing. I've been sitting around staring into space feeling sorry for myself and I'm done.

I start taking proper care of myself today. And I start getting myself back today.


Twisting Ivy said...

Boo yah Sister. =)

Today, the world is yours. -hugs-

Ashley said...

I say Embrace the Drugs. That's what they are there for.

Hope you feel better soon!

Sweetly Single said...

You go girl! You can do this!

the cubicle's backporch said...

I had days like this when I first lost my job where the house was a wreck and I just didn't care about anything, so I can't imagine having those feelings daily.

You're strong and you can do it! :)

the queen said...

There's the real you, then there's the chemically restored original you. I say go with the drugs. And you put the net back where you found it, right? Was that the right answer?

Jocelyn said...

Oh, baby, baby, baby, DO.

There's nothing noble in the "me no takey meds" approach. I do understand your reasons for trying it, but clearly your body chemistry needs to be directed to the path that allows the best YOU to come on down.

Slyde said...

good for you. and try not to just say it... do it! :)

Rachel said...

You'll do awesome, I'm sure. I went through the same thing with my mother, who went through the same thing with her mother, neither of which sought help and ended up in bed for half of their lives.

It's good to know you're making the choice to take care of yourself.

Tink said...

Do whatever you have to, for your own happiness and well-being. Life is too short to be miserable. ((HUG))

Mrs.C said...

Hang in there, and take the meds. Love and hugs!

Kate said...

If you read a current post by me, you'll know what really happens when you don't take your medicine when you need it. It scares the crap out of me. Hang tight, girlie.

Tamara said...

I totally admire you for your honesty. Whatever you decide - meds or no meds - sending you big hugs across the continents!