Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Dear innernetz, please excuse my absence due to...

...general lack of anything nice to say. Did your mother ever tell you "if you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all"? Since I haven't had anything good to say about anyone or anything, I've tried to keep my yap shut.

I've taken myself off of my crack anti depressants and have had a bit of an adjustment, as is to be expected. My psychiatrist supervised this little endeavor, btw. I am finally to the point where I am accepting that not everything is going to go the way I want it to, and am dealing with that in a much better way. I have stopped being an ass and learned to monitor and control my moods.

I think I was on the prozac out of sheer laziness. Truly, I do. It is so much easier to take a pill than to actually think about how I'm feeling and my reactions to situations. I understand that people need the medicine and can't live a quality life without it. But I think I was taking it to avoid having to deal with any emotion other than oooh, pretty!. When I read blogs from people who go to therapy every week and actually work through their issues, I am so filled with envy. That they can do that incredibly hard work, lay themselves open to inspection (even from themselves) and learn from it inspires me.

I've started with a bit of introspection meself. So far, I have realized the following:

I am lazy. I didn't used to be, but I have always tried to find the easiest way to get the result I wanted. Now I'm just 'the hell with it' or my favorite standby, 'who cares?'.

I am mean. I think I always have been, but have been too polite to let my true light shine. In my dotage, I let her rip. Viciously, with no holds barred, to the detriment of anyone around me. But honestly, some people just need to be told.

I have a huge sense of entitlement. I deserve whatever I want, whether I worked for it, can afford it, or need it.

In the tiny little dark part of my brain that I try not to let out often, I think I'm better than some people because I'm educated. Sad, but true. Even sadder? No one in my immediate family is educated.

I'm not all bad. I love with my whole heart. I'll do anything to help you. I try to anticipate anything that might make your journey easier and provide it.

When I took my little sojourn to the ocean to ponder life's mysteries, one of the decisions I made was to try the summer without medication. To take life on armed with only my wits (sad weaponry at best) and intelligence (slightly better, still lacking). I need to know that I can be nice and personable and normal by being willing to work on it and making a decision when I wake up in the morning to appreciate the day instead of choosing to stomp around in a huff snarking at everything that breathes too loud.

So far, so good.

15 comments:

Ashley said...

I hope it works for you and you continue to find ways to deal and cope. I'm glad you're trying it drug free.

And please...don't be mean to me. =)

Kate said...

I'm not allowed to try life anti-depressant free. Go for it, girlie.

coastrat said...

So good to see you with a post. I pray that the days ahead are better for you.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Anonymous said...

Glad you are feeling greater!
I think you described my inner self to a T!

Jennifer said...

In no particular order. Did you wean off, or simply quit taking them? Prozac is a nasty nasty assed drug that can cause serious issues if you just *stop*.

1) Lazy- so is the rest of the human race, its what makes us "special".
2)Mean? I think that comes with age, and if you were a man, you'd be called blunt or refreshingly honest.
3)Entitlement- Don't we all. Look at the national credit card dependency/debt.
4)That just means you have healthy self esteem.


I hate to say it, but you're normal.

Tamara said...

What a great post. Thanks for your honesty and for sharing. Drug-free sucks for a bit, but it is possible with the right tools (supportive friends and family, good shrink, a blog where you can vent etc). All the best!

Dingo said...

You mean you are a lazy, mean, entitled bitch? I knew that I loved you for some reason.

One thing, and you know yourself better than we do, but I don't know if you are being fair to yourself when you say you took Prozac out of sheer laziness. You needed it at the time. And now, maybe you don't need it so much and you are ready to deal with your emotions and issues without them. Stop judging yourself. Leave that to us.

Ree said...

I'm glad you're back. You can be mean to me, but you have to apologize profusely afterwards.

XXOO

Twisting Ivy said...

-Hugs-

And, uh oh! I'm mean too! We'll stick together and throw rocks at those who don't appreciate it. =)

Sweetly Single said...

~hugs

u are a beautyful person inside and out

Vanessa said...

I wish you strength, peace and patience. Learning to live life on life's terms is never an easy thing. Sometimes we need meds and therapy to help us do the work and sometimes we can tackle it on our own. However it ends up for you, just getting started is making progress and really that's all you should think about, just make progress not perfection. HUGS

Vanessa said...

PS I just started back on anti-depressants two weeks ago. I know the pain of coming off of them as well. Be gentle with yourself.

Slyde said...

ive been finding that i am VERY lazy myself lately, and it seems to be getting worse..

im actually getting kind of concerned about it.. still too lazy to do anything about it, but still..

Jocelyn said...

Here is what I can tell you: everything in your list here? Is something I identify with and feel in my own self and is part of why I find you so likeable. So be all superior and mean and stuff. It makes you perfectly human.

Jenn-n-n said...

Good Lord ... do you reside in MY head hehehehe,.

I have discovered very similar things about myself. I've also discovered that allowing my inner bitch out too much doesn't fly with the general population in our kinder, gentler world of pussies and pansies.

*sigh*.....One day I will find a happy medium... maybe.