Dear innernetz, please excuse my absence due to...

...general lack of anything nice to say. Did your mother ever tell you "if you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all"? Since I haven't had anything good to say about anyone or anything, I've tried to keep my yap shut.

I've taken myself off of my crack anti depressants and have had a bit of an adjustment, as is to be expected. My psychiatrist supervised this little endeavor, btw. I am finally to the point where I am accepting that not everything is going to go the way I want it to, and am dealing with that in a much better way. I have stopped being an ass and learned to monitor and control my moods.

I think I was on the prozac out of sheer laziness. Truly, I do. It is so much easier to take a pill than to actually think about how I'm feeling and my reactions to situations. I understand that people need the medicine and can't live a quality life without it. But I think I was taking it to avoid having to deal with any emotion other than oooh, pretty!. When I read blogs from people who go to therapy every week and actually work through their issues, I am so filled with envy. That they can do that incredibly hard work, lay themselves open to inspection (even from themselves) and learn from it inspires me.

I've started with a bit of introspection meself. So far, I have realized the following:

I am lazy. I didn't used to be, but I have always tried to find the easiest way to get the result I wanted. Now I'm just 'the hell with it' or my favorite standby, 'who cares?'.

I am mean. I think I always have been, but have been too polite to let my true light shine. In my dotage, I let her rip. Viciously, with no holds barred, to the detriment of anyone around me. But honestly, some people just need to be told.

I have a huge sense of entitlement. I deserve whatever I want, whether I worked for it, can afford it, or need it.

In the tiny little dark part of my brain that I try not to let out often, I think I'm better than some people because I'm educated. Sad, but true. Even sadder? No one in my immediate family is educated.

I'm not all bad. I love with my whole heart. I'll do anything to help you. I try to anticipate anything that might make your journey easier and provide it.

When I took my little sojourn to the ocean to ponder life's mysteries, one of the decisions I made was to try the summer without medication. To take life on armed with only my wits (sad weaponry at best) and intelligence (slightly better, still lacking). I need to know that I can be nice and personable and normal by being willing to work on it and making a decision when I wake up in the morning to appreciate the day instead of choosing to stomp around in a huff snarking at everything that breathes too loud.

So far, so good.