Sunday, July 13, 2008

I wonder

I found this image on Post Secrets this morning. And I wondered. How would I be different? What other choices would I have made and how would they have affected my life?
What if as a child I had felt safe in my own home. if I could have fallen asleep at night not terrified that I'd be woken up in the dark by roaming hands. if everything I did, said, thought didn't revolve around no one knowing. and fearing that everyone knew, and worse, yet, didn't care. What if the one person who was supposed to protect me actually did. Instead of turning away and pretending not to see, not to know when it would be impossible impossible not to. How different would I be?
Would my self worth have been a little higher? Would I still have thought that the only thing I was good for was sex? That I didn't deserve to be treated nice, that the people who actually tried to treat me nicely were shat on. Would I have been such an easy target for the 29 year old married friend of the family who lured me out and raped me at 14? And said that I had it coming because I "exuded sexuality". When the only thing you've been taught from your earliest memory is that your purpose is sex, I guess "exuding" it can't be helped. Would anyone have believed me if I had told or would I have been blamed because I was easy? Would his wife have still accused me of seducing her husband?
Would my search for love have involved so many men? Strange men ever eager to validate my self worth by having sex with me. Surely they must at least like me if they fuck me, right?
When finally finding the one man who does actually love me, and value me, and is good to me, would I continue to push him away because I don't deserve him and the love and the hope and the future he has given me? I don't think I'll ever know. But I will always wonder.


moo said...

wow, this was really powerful ... and at the heart of the matter ... you are who you are because of your experiences, good and bad. There's no magic time warp to let you go back and change the past.

No one should have to go what you went through. I'm so sorry you experienced this.

Ree said...

You would have been different. Better? Who knows?!?
But certainly different.

I agree with moo. You are, I am, She is, everything we are because of what happened in our past.

Focus on the present, make your life with the man you love and who loves you. Take some time for yourself so you can value YOU.

And remember that you have friends who love you and think you are a brave, brave woman.

flutter said...

The truth is? You don't know. None of us know. You didn't deserve what happened, you seduced no one and exuded nothing.

You may have gone through just as many men for other reasons, you may not have...

I am glad you are who you are, right here, right now, as is. But I am sorry you ever had to suffer.

This is so brave.

Anonymous said...

But, you DO deserve him, and the love, and the hope and the future, and that is what is important in the now. Go for them all, because you do deserve them!

So sorry that you experienced one of life's bastards.

Good thoughts and prayers and (((((HUGS))))) to you!

CelticBuffy said...

Wow. There isn't anything to say that the other commenters haven't already said. You ARE deserving, you ARE worth loving, you DESERVE a wonderful life. I know it's hard to break the cycle of thinking otherwise but you are incredibly valuable!

(virtual hug)

the queen said...

I think of my friend in the same situation. I wouldn't want her to be any different. She's great the way she is.

The Cubicle's Backporch said...

Wow. I don't think I knew before today about your childhood. And the wife accused you of seducing her husband?! Really?! Like it wasn't her husbands fault for being a complete asshole child molestor? This makes me want to shoot someone. It also makes me glad that child molestors are (from what I hear) treated 'roughly' in prison by other prisonmates.

And I agree with moo and ree... our past is what shapes us. We can be stronger from it or buckle... and it sounds like you have a man that loves you and a family that you'd do anything for.

Twisting Ivy said...


I second (third?) all of the above.

And I understand.

Candy said...

Gosh, what can I say that wasn't already said. I just want to take the child that was hurt in my arms and into my home, where she would have been protected from any and all harm.

Since I can't do that, I can just give you my support and friendship.

Vanessa said...

I am so sorry this happened to you, that you never felt safe, that you were violated by those who were supposed to be protecting you. I only hope that as an adult you have been able to find some sort of peace. Our past defines who we are today and no doubt, you are a strong smart woman who is powerful beyond belief.

kellypea said...

Wow. I've spent my life wondering those very same things. I came to terms with it years ago, but feel the need to write about it. I haven't done so anywhere public since I hesitate to spend days and weeks writing, but something in me thinks people need to know you can survive things like this. Can't remember how I got here, but like I already said, wow.

Rima said...

So, so sorry, Shania. It never ceases to amaze me, the kind of baggage that some of the strongest women I know are walking around with.

cathy said...

I am going to post a poem in your comments. I wrote it and you are the third blogger that I have given it to.

There is a part of you, deep inside, that cannot be sullied by the actions of your attackers. I hope you find it...

Remembered Pain

Searing through my memory,
Branding iron of used to be,
Remembered pain..

I deny it’s hold on me,
I will not live in misery
Or let it’s remnants hurt me once again.

A victim once through circumstance
I will not let past happenings hold sway
Recalling of past agonies
Will not shape who I choose to be

My future life,
My destiny,
Unsullied by its poison will remain.

I cast out the indignity,
Of all that has been done to me,
I choose to be
Unsullied, unashamed.