Monday, February 25, 2008

Fat Mama

My little one is four now. He has one more year of preschool and then he'll be in kindergarten. Which means I have until fall of 2009 to lose around 60 pounds. You see, I don't want him to be the kid with the fat mama. It's not fair to him. He didn't ask to be born to not only an older mother than most others have, but an obese one as well. He's starting to take notice of differences and while he's being taught to be tolerant and kind, I know he'll be teased. It is one of my worst fears that he'll be ashamed of me, embarrassed when I pick him up or drop him off. That he'll turn away when I try to hug him, ask me to drop him off around the corner, or "forget" to tell me about the field trip a chaperone is needed for.

While I'm worried about my hurt, I'm far more concerned about his feelings and esteem. He's so empathetic and giving and such a joyful and happy child that it breaks my heart to think that I may cause the events that bring shame and bad feelings into his young life. To think that he may be going along happy and carefree, innocent and kind like children are and then to have someone ask "is that your mom? God, she's so fat" and then to see a cloud cross his face as he realizes something that never occurred to him before. Something that he didn't know he was supposed to be embarrassed about. Conflicted because he's torn between the love he has for his mother and the shame his peers tell him he should have.

I refuse to be an embarrassment to my son. I will lose this weight and I will do if for myself as much as for him. Wish me luck.

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