Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I'm not above using my feminine wiles

I was motoring down the road, minding my own business. Silas, still but a wee babe, was asleep in his carseat. I was approaching a stop light which had just turned yellow. We all know that yellow means "gun it!", so I sped through. Apparently, I hadn't sped quite fast enough. Lights and sirens in the mirror. I was stone cold busted, yo.

The officer comes to the window and takes my license and registration. He asks if I know why he pulled me over. Why? Why do they ask this? Are they hoping we'll confess to something they didn't notice? "Geez officer, I guess you pulled me over because of the twenty six kilos of black tar heroin in my spare tire, right?" I mean, really. So I give my stock answer (I get pulled over alot) which is "I'm sure you're going to tell me". So we go through the song and dance where he tells me that I ran the light, I pretend to be sorry, and he says he'll be right back. While waiting for him to finish whatever cop-ish things it is they do back in their car, I remembered that I had gotten a ticket in Virginia several months before. Then I had that moment. The one where the hot flash of "oh shit" runs straight through your heart. I never paid that ticket. *gulp*

Had it been long enough that they'd suspended my license? I didn't know. Then I saw him get out of the car. And reach around to get his handcuffs. Yep. It had been long enough. Thinking quick, I waited for him to approach the window again. He told me that there was a problem with my license and that I needed to step out of the vehicle. I asked what the problem was. He said that my license to drive in Virginia had been suspended and that my vehicle would be impounded. He said that I was welcome to call someone to pick me up, but that I would be left on the side of the road. (He didn't know that there was a baby in the truck at this point.)

Putting on my best indignant outraged persona, I assured him that I would never have let my license be suspended! The impudence that he would even suggest a thing is beyond insulting. I strongly suggested that he check again and make sure that if, in the unlikely event, this had actually occurred, that I had been properly notified of such suspension and that there was proof of such notification. Because I lived in a different state and if there wasn't proof...blah blah blahbitty blah. Basically I made a general ass of myself to buy a few minutes.

It worked and he went back to his cruiser. (I cannot say cruiser without thinking of Bruiser from Sha Na Na.) While he was reporting back to the station about what a pompous ass I was, I pulled Silas out of his car seat and woke him up. I know, reprehensible. BUT! I had a plan. I pulled up my shirt, ripped down my bra and freed the mammaries of magnificence! I covered one side with a blanket, but made sure to leave enough of the other exposed to make it clear what I was doing. When he came back, I rolled the window down and looked at him expectantly. Like I just knew he had cleared this whole misunderstanding up. He started to tell me that procedure had been followed and that WHOA! Wait a minute! Is that a breast?! And a baby??

He turned ten shades of red and stammered so much I couldn't make out the rest of the sentence. After taking a minute to compose himself, he informed me that yes, procedure had been followed and he was well within the law to impound my vehicle. (I'm sitting there making doe eyes at him with my breasts hanging out feeding a baby on the side of the road.) But, since there may have been extenuating circumstances because of my living out of state, I was free to go but make sure to get that taken care of, ok now ma'am? (He hasn't even looked toward the vehicle once during this spiel) He hems and haws a bit more and finally tells me to be on my way, "after yer done there, a'course".

So yes, I exploited my baby and my breasts. And I'd probably do it again if I thought it would get me out trouble. (Gloria Ste!nems head just exploded)

30 comments:

Being Brazen said...

Thats so funny. I would have done the same.

Glad it all got sorted out well in the end :)

Kitty Cat said...

Well done! That was one of the funniest posts I've ever read! Love it.

moo said...

that is pretty much the MOST AWESOME story ever.

Ashley said...

How onrey are you? Hee hee. I would have done the same thing in a heartbeat.

CelticBuffy said...

Sometimes you just have to use every advantage that life gives you. Me? I don't know that I would have been quick enough to think of that. Glad you were!

Twisting Ivy said...

Woo hoo! Well done. =)

Would have loved to see the look on that cop's face.

Candy said...

Allow me to bow before your mammaries of magnificence.

Kate said...

Boobies always save the day.

Lynette said...

Well, they gotta be good for something besides feeding the babies...

Ree said...

Damn good thing Silas was hungry! ;-)

Dingo said...

Do you think it would've worked if I'd let Dingo Girl latch onto my hooters? She likes to ride around in the car with me and she's the one who makes me drive faster. At least that's what I think the, "Woof! Woof!" means. It's not every day you see a woman nursing her dog.

Dingo said...

I don't nurse my dog, by the way. But if it could get me out of a $100+ speeding ticket, well, I just might think about ti.

Arjewtino said...

Yet another reason why breasts are so powerful. I could NEVER pull out my dick if the cop who pulled me over was a woman.

the queen said...

hysterical! Best story EVER!

kwoneshe2 said...

ROFLMAO

kittyconcerto.com said...

I've heard of people claiming to be chased by someone, which is why they were speeding, and couldn't the officer pretty please go catch the phantom car???

But THIS takes the cake! With breastmilk cream icing.

J and J Acres said...

Oh man... I thought you were gonna say you made a run for it or something... but whippin' out the breastfeeding trick is 10 times better!! hee hee.

Mike said...

LOL. That's one way to get out of a ticket.

XUE said...

Fantastic story! You are terrible!....I would also do the same thing! Too bad that my kids are 8 & 11 now so I can't use this tip!

Real Live Lesbian said...

LMAO! Brilliant!

Use 'em to your advantage!

Vodka Mom said...

you rock! you and those big breasts of yours.
:-) hahaha

Slyde said...

next time i get pulled over im taking out my penis...

GoteeMan said...

Hey, you gots to use what you got...

Me, I just ride around with a dozen fresh Krispy Kremes all the time, and when i get pulled over and the cop says "Do you know why I pulled you over?", I say, "Yep, cuz you could smell 'em... want one?".

They start laughing so hard I don't get a ticket...

what did you expect? I ain't got no boobs I can flash at him like you do...

J/ (goteeman.blogspot.com)

Jocelyn said...

Like Gloria Steinem never exploited her breasts! Pulease.

I adore this story. We referred to breastfeeding in our house as The Power of the Boob. You've just demonstrated its larger applications.

Kath said...

I love this story. And yes, we all use what we've got, the cop was using his male intimidation until you trumped him!

cathy said...

nothing wrong with that some "ladies" would have gotten their breasts out even if they didn't have a baby.

carrie said...

I am pretty sure that's what they were made for!

*snicker*

Good job!

Tamara said...

mwahaHAHAHAHA! That is classic! Thanks for brightening my day with your boobies ;-)

Kristy said...

HAHA...i probably would have done the same thing...I've been known to flirt, cry, etc all to get out of a ticket...and it's worked like a charm every single time...I'm ticketless!

Holly Hall said...

ROCK ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

new thing to add to the very large list of advantages of breast feeding.


"gets you out of getting your car impounded"

oh god, someone alert la leche!

;)

Mrs. Hall