I'm not above using my feminine wiles

I was motoring down the road, minding my own business. Silas, still but a wee babe, was asleep in his carseat. I was approaching a stop light which had just turned yellow. We all know that yellow means "gun it!", so I sped through. Apparently, I hadn't sped quite fast enough. Lights and sirens in the mirror. I was stone cold busted, yo.

The officer comes to the window and takes my license and registration. He asks if I know why he pulled me over. Why? Why do they ask this? Are they hoping we'll confess to something they didn't notice? "Geez officer, I guess you pulled me over because of the twenty six kilos of black tar heroin in my spare tire, right?" I mean, really. So I give my stock answer (I get pulled over alot) which is "I'm sure you're going to tell me". So we go through the song and dance where he tells me that I ran the light, I pretend to be sorry, and he says he'll be right back. While waiting for him to finish whatever cop-ish things it is they do back in their car, I remembered that I had gotten a ticket in Virginia several months before. Then I had that moment. The one where the hot flash of "oh shit" runs straight through your heart. I never paid that ticket. *gulp*

Had it been long enough that they'd suspended my license? I didn't know. Then I saw him get out of the car. And reach around to get his handcuffs. Yep. It had been long enough. Thinking quick, I waited for him to approach the window again. He told me that there was a problem with my license and that I needed to step out of the vehicle. I asked what the problem was. He said that my license to drive in Virginia had been suspended and that my vehicle would be impounded. He said that I was welcome to call someone to pick me up, but that I would be left on the side of the road. (He didn't know that there was a baby in the truck at this point.)

Putting on my best indignant outraged persona, I assured him that I would never have let my license be suspended! The impudence that he would even suggest a thing is beyond insulting. I strongly suggested that he check again and make sure that if, in the unlikely event, this had actually occurred, that I had been properly notified of such suspension and that there was proof of such notification. Because I lived in a different state and if there wasn't proof...blah blah blahbitty blah. Basically I made a general ass of myself to buy a few minutes.

It worked and he went back to his cruiser. (I cannot say cruiser without thinking of Bruiser from Sha Na Na.) While he was reporting back to the station about what a pompous ass I was, I pulled Silas out of his car seat and woke him up. I know, reprehensible. BUT! I had a plan. I pulled up my shirt, ripped down my bra and freed the mammaries of magnificence! I covered one side with a blanket, but made sure to leave enough of the other exposed to make it clear what I was doing. When he came back, I rolled the window down and looked at him expectantly. Like I just knew he had cleared this whole misunderstanding up. He started to tell me that procedure had been followed and that WHOA! Wait a minute! Is that a breast?! And a baby??

He turned ten shades of red and stammered so much I couldn't make out the rest of the sentence. After taking a minute to compose himself, he informed me that yes, procedure had been followed and he was well within the law to impound my vehicle. (I'm sitting there making doe eyes at him with my breasts hanging out feeding a baby on the side of the road.) But, since there may have been extenuating circumstances because of my living out of state, I was free to go but make sure to get that taken care of, ok now ma'am? (He hasn't even looked toward the vehicle once during this spiel) He hems and haws a bit more and finally tells me to be on my way, "after yer done there, a'course".

So yes, I exploited my baby and my breasts. And I'd probably do it again if I thought it would get me out trouble. (Gloria Ste!nems head just exploded)