Is there a doctor in the house?

I wrote what would have been this post a while ago. Then I read Heather's post and I couldn't publish mine. Because it would have seemed as though I plagiarized her. What spoke to me was when she says she thought of ways to crash her car just enough to spend a few days in the hospital. And that is what let her know she needed help. That paragraph woke me up.
Because I have done the same thing. Only my calculations weren't designed to insure my injury. They were designed to make sure I wasn't only injured. They were designed to make sure I was dead.

The way this came about was quite insidious. I never really realized what I was doing. Just toodling along in my expedition, the thought would come to me. How hard would I have to take this curve to go airborne right about here and crash into that wall? Then later, I would find myself at Ford's website checking on crash ratings and safety features. FYI, the expedition? A fecking TANK.

Before too long, I had figured out the exact rate of speed, velocity, angle of impact..everything I needed to know that I would not emerge from that crash with a heartbeat.
And I did not find anything unusual or alarming about this.

I have made an appointment with a psychiatrist for next week. Obviously, I need some med adjustment or changes. Some talk therapy probably wouldn't hurt (ya think?). It seems I've been in a downward spiral for some months now. I actually sat up and took a look around today. What I saw frightened me. While my son has been well cared for, physically and emotionally, I have apparently sent everything else to hell in a handbasket.
Poppets, I just don't care. I just don't care that the carpets are filthy. I just don't care that the bills haven't been paid. We don't need no steekin' lectricity. I just don't care that I haven't renewed my business licenses, insurance, and whatever the hell else I've let slide. I just don't care.
My lawn looks like the house is abandoned. I've not weeded the flower beds all summer. I didn't even fill the pool this summer. The pond is clogged with algae. There are scary things growing in the shower. I just don't care. I'm scared to check my voicemail. I don't know why. I cringe when the phone rings. I don't know why. I jump when the door opens, when the oven timer goes off, when someone walks around the corner in my own house. I don't know why.
When I manage to sleep, I wake up in a peculiar way. Imagine that you're sleeping and someone is standing by you. Now they grab you by your arms and start screaming in your face. The feeling that you would have from that, the adrenaline rush, the pounding heart, the fright. That's how I wake up several times a night.

So, I have made an appointment for a check up from the neck up. Hey, at least I'm not tore up from the floor up! yet, anyway. We'll have to see how those meds work.