Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Is there a doctor in the house?

I wrote what would have been this post a while ago. Then I read Heather's post and I couldn't publish mine. Because it would have seemed as though I plagiarized her. What spoke to me was when she says she thought of ways to crash her car just enough to spend a few days in the hospital. And that is what let her know she needed help. That paragraph woke me up.
Because I have done the same thing. Only my calculations weren't designed to insure my injury. They were designed to make sure I wasn't only injured. They were designed to make sure I was dead.

The way this came about was quite insidious. I never really realized what I was doing. Just toodling along in my expedition, the thought would come to me. How hard would I have to take this curve to go airborne right about here and crash into that wall? Then later, I would find myself at Ford's website checking on crash ratings and safety features. FYI, the expedition? A fecking TANK.

Before too long, I had figured out the exact rate of speed, velocity, angle of impact..everything I needed to know that I would not emerge from that crash with a heartbeat.
And I did not find anything unusual or alarming about this.

I have made an appointment with a psychiatrist for next week. Obviously, I need some med adjustment or changes. Some talk therapy probably wouldn't hurt (ya think?). It seems I've been in a downward spiral for some months now. I actually sat up and took a look around today. What I saw frightened me. While my son has been well cared for, physically and emotionally, I have apparently sent everything else to hell in a handbasket.
Poppets, I just don't care. I just don't care that the carpets are filthy. I just don't care that the bills haven't been paid. We don't need no steekin' lectricity. I just don't care that I haven't renewed my business licenses, insurance, and whatever the hell else I've let slide. I just don't care.
My lawn looks like the house is abandoned. I've not weeded the flower beds all summer. I didn't even fill the pool this summer. The pond is clogged with algae. There are scary things growing in the shower. I just don't care. I'm scared to check my voicemail. I don't know why. I cringe when the phone rings. I don't know why. I jump when the door opens, when the oven timer goes off, when someone walks around the corner in my own house. I don't know why.
When I manage to sleep, I wake up in a peculiar way. Imagine that you're sleeping and someone is standing by you. Now they grab you by your arms and start screaming in your face. The feeling that you would have from that, the adrenaline rush, the pounding heart, the fright. That's how I wake up several times a night.

So, I have made an appointment for a check up from the neck up. Hey, at least I'm not tore up from the floor up! yet, anyway. We'll have to see how those meds work.


the cubicle's backporch said...

I'm not sure what to say to this, except that I'm glad you took a step back and looked at yourself and saw that there was a problem. I know what you mean about not caring anymore, I went through a period where I just didn't CARE about anything. I didn't care if the house was a wreck, or that the flower beds that I had loved the year before ever got planted. It's hard to see yourself like that.

Goodluck and keep us posted. I'll be thinking about you.

kwoneshe2 said...

I agree. So glad that you are able to recognize and admit something is wrong.

The waking up with adrenalin pumping through you....panic attack?

Prayers & thoughts are with you.

Twisting Ivy said...

Oh Shania.

I've been there too.

I'm so glad you've realized what's going on and are going to do something about it NOW before it gets worse.


moo said...

I am SO GLAD that you are taking the steps to get help.

I urge you to have a buddy -- your husband, a girlfriend, a neighbor, someone online -- who you can contact with a "safety phrase" ... like, if you can't make it another minute, you promise to contact that person and tell them "the monkey is in daycare" or whatever and they will GET YOU HELP.

Hang in there, honey. Your babies need you.

Kate said...

Been there, my friend. And so glad that you've taken the next right step. It's so hard to wake up from that fog and realize that you need help. And then to WANT to get help? That's another hurdle all together. I knew I was seriously depressed when I didn't even care to get drunk, which was the only - say 5 minutes - of my day that I enjoyed.

Hang in there! We'll be rooting for you!

Lynette said...

It's so hard to know what to say... Except that I hope you get the help you KNOW you need. Good luck and don't let them shrink your head too much, it will make your earrings look too big.

Ree said...

We love you babe. Get thee to a doctor, and then come back and tell us that you're okay.

No trading in that damn tank, either.

the queen said...

I'm glad you don't care about your carpets and you care about staying alive.

Vanessa said...

All I can say is I'm so glad you realized something was wrong. Sometimes reaching out for help is the hardest thing to do, but worth the peace it can bring. eHUGS

coastrat said...